why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
