Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
