I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
