He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
