I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I believe in your delicious
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
