I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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