I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
