Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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