I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my shit smells like andre
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
