Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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