bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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