woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
