So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
