Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
