When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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