After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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