we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
