just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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