Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
