its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
