Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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