I met the friendliest cop last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
