I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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