I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
