i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
