Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
