I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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