I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
