First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's never too late to be topless.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
