Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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