Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
