I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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