She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Drunk is not a location!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
