I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
