I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
