i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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