Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
