i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
