If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
