Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you win again, gameday.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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