I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
