I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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