Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
