I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she told me i tasted like america
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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