I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
