this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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