at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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