note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
