So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
