If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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